As parents, teachers, and pastoral leaders, we should not simply tell people what God's law forbids. We should help them understand God's intention in giving commandments. When people grasp God's intentions, they can put their whole heart into obeying him, not being satisfied with eliminating serious violations of the commandments, but shaping the way they live in every respect in order to arrive at his purposes.
For instance, with regard to sex, it is particularly helpful for people
to see that the Lord holds up for us the ideal of a well-ordered life.
When sex is properly orderly in marriage, it strengthens family life. That,
in turn, strengthens the life of the church and society. Bringing sex into
proper order involves individual self-control, mastery over desires. From
a Christian standpoint, this is a positive ideal.
In getting this ideal across, we are working against the modern view
that any form of sex is okay as long as it is "fulfilling", which
means as long as it gives pleasure.
From a scriptural perspective, this is a degraded view of sex. It treats
sex as something an animal does rather than as something that a human being
does. Animals follow their instincts. Human beings use their minds to understand
God's purposes for life, and make their decisions in line with those purposes.
The Lord is calling us to communicate this vision to the people we are
leading.
Another important principle to teach is this: That which shares in the
nature of what is forbidden is likewise forbidden. We should not merely
try to avoid the grossest violations of God's law. We should also exclude
behavior that goes part way to violating the law, even while not perhaps
violating it in its fullness.
"Making out" ("necking", petting) is an example.
Many Christians today would say that, while fornication is out (or, as
they would put it, "going all the way" is out), it is alright
to make out for a little recreation, or for personal exploration, or to
assuage your sexual desires. But the traditional Christian view is that
making out constitutes engaging in fornication or adultery.
For one thing, it is only common sense that making out does not assuage
sexual desires. God specifically designed it to arouse them, not assuage
them.
For another, there is an integrity to the scriptural understanding of
sexual relations, which includes all those initial activities which are
natural part of intercourse. Thus Scripture often refers to the sexual
act by simply mentioning the first stage of it; for instance, "uncovering
nakedness" (see Lev. 18). That phrase does not mean simply having
no clothes on. It means the kind of unclothing that involves moving toward
having sexual relations.
Scripture also uses the expression, "approach a woman" (Lev.
18:6, 19). This implies that there is an appropriate distance between men
and women, and that to violate it is already to enter on the process of
fornication.
"Not touch a woman" is another biblical expression for sexual
relations (1 Cor. 7:1). It does not mean shaking hands, but the sort of
touching that is the beginning of the process of sexual relations.
From the scriptural perspective, engaging in the initial stages may
be less serious than doing everything one could possibly do in the act
of fornication. But just because a person does not bring the sexual act
to completion does not mean that he or she has not begun to commit fornication.
It is interesting that many modern people who claim to abhor "legalism"
actually take refuge in this kind of legalism when it comes to sexual morality.
They seek to make space for everything that stops short of a full-scale
violation of the letter of the law, and do not consider the spirit, or
purpose, of the law.
One of the clearest signs of this sort of thing is the question: "How
far can I go and not sin?" It is already the wrong question, indicating
that the person who asks it is not yet living the life of a disciple who
puts his or her mind, heart, spirit, and strength into loving the Lord
and accomplishing his purposes.
The right question is "What can I do to be fully in the right place
in this area? How can I live my life in all respects in a way that most
corresponds to God's purpose and God's order for this area of my life?"
A third principle is this: What leads to violation of the commandment
should be avoided if reasonably possible; what leads to keeping it should
be done if reasonably possible.
For example, we should avoid immodesty, uncontrolled thoughts, pornography,
hanging out with the wrong people, going to the wrong places, and so on.
Those things lead us and others into trouble.
Take immodest dress, for example. Dressing immodestly may or may not
affect the person who is doing it, but it certainly affects some other
people. We should lead people to be concerned not only for keeping themselves
in the right place, but also for helping others to stay in the right place.
The positive side of the principle means that we should build into our
life together in the church things that will help the purposes of God's
commandments. We want to further the right use of the sexual capability
that God has put in us.
An example of a positive response would be to develop a sound pastoral
approach to dating and courtship. First Thessalonians 4:3-8 instructs us
to abstain from sexual immorality and to enter marriage in holiness and
honor, not in the passion of lust like heathens who do not know God. How
might we help the members of the church to do just this?
A key element of a pastoral strategy would be to teach the Christian
view of marriage, with its responsibilities — which is a model of marriage
that many Christians today do not understand. On this basis, we can encourage
singles to think about the qualities of character that they and their spouse
would need.
In personal pastoral care, we can steer them away from making a decision
to marry mainly on the basis of emotional attraction, and help them focus
their attention on objective issues, such as personal readiness and common
vision that are crucial for a successful marriage.
And we can guide them through the courtship process in ways that abet
sober, prayerful decision-making, and away from approaches that tend toward
indulging, emotional infatuation or sexual temptation.