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Our Lady of La Salette and Saint Joseph Church
Parish Priest: Canon Michael Cooley
14 Melior
Street, London SE1 3QP
020 7407 1948
e-mail: lasalette.melior@gmail.com
HUMOUR
There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting
around discussing which one of them was going to God and tell Him that they
didn't need him anymore.
One of the
scientists volunteered and went to tell God that he was no longer needed.
The scientist says
to God - "God, you know, a group of us have been thinking and I've come
to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming
up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge
of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you."
God nods
understandingly and says. "I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you
go let's have a contest. What do you think?"
The scientist says,
"Sure. What kind of contest?"
God: "A
man-making contest."
The scientist:
"Sure! No problem".
The scientist bends
down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, "Okay, I'm ready!"
God replies,
"No, no, no... You go and get your own dirt."
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St Francis and St Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in
time to the place of the Birth of Jesus Christ.
St Francis, seeing
God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.
St Ignatius of
Loyola takes St Joseph and Our Lady aside and asks: "Have you given any
thought to His education?"
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One day at the primary school, a teacher said to the class of
5-year olds boy, "I'll give a £2 coin to anyone of you who can tell me
who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his
hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said,
"Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy
put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied,
"I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Jewish
boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said,
"That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the
prize."
As the teacher was
giving Marvin the money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're
Jewish; I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied,
"Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"
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A young boy had just got his driving licence. He asked his
father if they could discuss the use of the family car. His father took him
to his study and said to him, "Son, I'll make a deal with you. You bring
your grades up, practice your music regularly, get your hair cut and we'll
talk about it."
After about a month
the boy came back to remind his father about the deal. They again went to the
father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up, you've played the piano beautifully, but you
didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited
a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You
know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even
Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father
replied... "Yes, you're right... and they also WALKED every where they
went!"
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A
man was praying to God.
He cried out:
"Dear God!?"
God replied:
"Yes?"
And the man said:
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Go right
ahead," God said.
"God, what is a
million years to you?"
God answered:
"A million years to me is only a second."
"Hmmm,"
the man wondered. Then he asked: "God, what is a million pounds worth to
you?"
God said, "A
million pounds to me is as a penny."
So the man asked:
"God, can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully
said: "Sure!!!.....just a second."
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Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was
stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod -- one that did
not admit Jews.
The desk clerk
looked down at his book and said, “Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.”
The Jewish lady
said, “But your sign says that you have vacancies.” The desk clerk stammered
and then said curtly, “You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try
the other side of town...”
Mrs. Rosenberg
stiffened noticeably and said, “I'll have you know, I converted to your
religion.”
The desk clerk said,
“Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.” “How was Jesus born?”
Mrs. Rosenberg
replied, “He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called
Bethlehem.”
“Very good,” replied
the hotel clerk. “Tell me more.”
Mrs. Rosenberg
replied, “He was born in a manger.”
“That's right,” said
the hotel clerk. “And why was he born in a manger?”
Mrs. Rosenberg said
loudly, “Because a narrow-minded person like you in the hotel wouldn't give a
Jewish lady a room for the night!”
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David received a parrot as a gift. This parrot was fully grown
with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude. David tried hard
to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing
soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing
worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and
the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment
of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he
heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming, then suddenly there was
quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly
opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly
stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might
have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. In
the future I will endeavour to correct my behaviour."
David was astonished
at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a
dramatic change when the parrot continued: "Umm, may I ask what the
chicken did?"
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A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have
another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman
decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy
tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had
so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the
street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of
God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years." Why
didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I
didn't recognize you."
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An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his
boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast
tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to
swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my
God! Help me!"
At once, the
ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a
booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe
in Me!"
"Come on God,
give me a break!!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't
believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was
better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God
was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said,
"THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to give you a test that will
run for two hours, and from the results, I will judge who does the better
job."
So Satan and Jesus
sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused, faxed, e-mailed (with
attachments), downloaded, did spreadsheets, wrote reports, created labels and
cards, created charts and graphs, did some genealogy reports and basically,
did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with
heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes
before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder
rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his
blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus
just sighed.
Finally the
electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started
searching frantically, screaming: It's gone! It's all GONE!!" I lost
everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus
quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of
work. Satan observed this and became irate. Wait!" he screamed.
"That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't
have any?"
God just shrugged
and said,
"Jesus saves
..."
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Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...OK"
Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a Vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...OK"
Finally, Father goes to see the President of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a Vice-president."
President: "But I already have more Vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...OK"
This is how business is done in America!
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A
woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly
swatter.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she
asked. “How can you tell?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone.”
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