There’s a story in the Gospel of St. John (John 8:3-10) about a woman who was caught in the act of adultery. The fact that she was caught "in the act" necessarily means that she had a male partner-in-crime who was seen by those who had caught the couple. Was he dragged out along with her to be stoned? After all Jewish law (as found in Deuteronomy 23:22) required "if a man is discovered having relations with a woman who is married to another, both the man and the woman with whom he has had relations shall die. Thus you shall purge the evil from your midst." However, this man was not dragged out to answer for his crime. She, alone, was to be punished. Did he stand beside her to defend her? No, he did not. He, presumably, slunk out of the bedroom and her life, another beneficiary of the double standard. Only the woman stood, terrified and shamed, on the verge of a painful and public execution. Then Jesus calmly told the stone-clutching crowd: "let the one among you who is without sin be the first one to throw a stone at her." One by one the crowd dropped their stones and left. He was left alone with the woman and he forgave her, telling her to "Neither do I condemn you. Go, and from now on do not sin anymore."
I often feel that women who have had or are considering having an abortion are cast in the role of the woman caught in adultery. We are so concerned about her sin that we neglect the participation of her partner. The old cliché says that it takes two to tango. We are not amoebas – we do not reproduce asexually simply by splitting in two. And yet the old double standard persists: we shrug and say: "boys will be boys" about the man and condemn the woman for being "trashy."
In our condemnation of the woman and in our insistence on her responsibility alone, we have made abortion into a woman’s issue. Why should women listen to men’s input? Not only does she carry the blame, she shoulders the responsibility for the child as well. For every man who would do the right thing, there are five who would slink away like the man in the gospel and their friends, both male and female, would encourage it.
We will never get rid of abortion until we address these problems. First, we need to divest ourselves of the double standard. We cannot call it a woman’s sin and let the man off with a wink and a nudge. The father is as culpable as the mother. By forcing the father to take responsibility for his actions, too, the mother isn’t left standing alone and vulnerable. Forcing the father to take responsibility would also force the mother to consider his feelings instead of making her decision without a thought for him. Abortion would cease to be a woman’s issue and become a human rights issue. Second, we need to stop condemning women and offer real help. Instead of saying "thou shalt not" and leaving it at that, why not offer to help the mother find social services to help with doctor’s bills, to help her establish paternity, to drive her to her appointments, and to help her buy maternity clothes?
We need to find it in our hearts to drop the stones we are ready to hurl at these women and, instead, look for solutions that are based on love and compassion. Righteous condemnation will only serve to polarize us further.
