Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

A man was out hunting.  He just happened to be hunting bears.  As he trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he came upon a large and steep hill.  Thinking that perhaps there would be a bear on the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep incline and, just as he was pulling himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a huge bear met him nose to nose.  The bear roared fiercely.  The man was so scared that he lost his balance and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind.  As he tumbled down the hill, the man lost his gun.  When he finally stopped at the bottom, he found that he had broken his leg.  Escape was impossible, so the man, who had never been particularly religious (in fact, this just happened to be a Sunday morning), prayed, "God, if you will make this bear a Christian I will be happy with whatever lot you give me for the rest of my life."  The bear was no more than three feet away from the man when it stopped dead in its tracks . . .  looked up to the heavens quizzically . . . and then fell to its knees praying in a loud voice, "O Lord, bless this food of which I am about to partake."

{Behold, I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and him with me.}

The next day, the card turned up in the collection basket.  Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10".

{I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked;  and I hid myself.}

Dear Lord,

So far today Lord, I've done alright.  I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greed, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent.  And I'm very thankful to you for that.

But . . . . . . . . . . In a few minutes, Lord, I'm probably going to need a lot more help because I'm going to get out of bed!!!!

Priest:  "Eugene, you need to join the Army of the Lord!!"

Eugene:  "Father, I'm already in the Army of the Lord."

Priest:  "How come I never see you except at Christmas and Easter??"

Eugene:  "I'm in the Secret Service."

At the end of the card game, Ed said to Max, "You did very good tonight.  You didn;t need any help at all.  Why is that?"

Max replied, "Ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I have been doing much better."

"Memory school?  What memory school?"

Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower - red, with thorns?  A real pretty flower . . .?"

"A rose?"

"Yeah . . . that's it!"  Max turned toward the kitchen and called, "Hey Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to??"